Unconventional Ways to Quit Smoking

Has smoking finally gotten to be too much of a burden for you? If so, here are some tried and true techniques to make you stop smoking, and fast! (By tried and true I mean the exact opposite. If they do end up working for you, however, I expect monetary compensation.)

So the patch doesn’t work for you, does it? Well, where it failed, Lou Ferrigno is guaranteed to succeed! Or any other muscular celebrity, for that matter. I’m sure if you asked them nicely (and paid them multitudes of money) any number of burly celebrities would be more than willing to follow you around and, every time you attempt to smoke, punch you repeatedly in the gut. After five days of Lou sucker punching you nonstop, you’ll have completely kicked your dirty habit. Or you’ll suffer irreparable damage to both kidneys and have numerous broken ribs. But either way, I can guarantee you won’t feel like smoking any time soon!

If you don’t feel like destroying your organs, here’s an even better route. Pick a song you absolutely detest. If you can’t think of one, here are some suggestions: “It’s a Small World.” “Who Let the Dogs Out?” And of course, “Barbie Girl,” by Aqua. Every time you smoke a cigarette, force someone to make you listen to these. ( Lou Ferrigno would be great at this.) After about the fiftieth time you hear the Baha Men sing about wayward canines, you’ll either associate cigarettes with their awful music or go on a homicidal killing spree. Let’s hope the former.

These solutions are for the light smoker, however. If you’ve been indulging the habit for more than a couple months though, you’re going to need to bring out the big guns. And you’re definitely going to need some help. If you have the black market connections, it’s really not that hard to buy several silver back gorillas. In addition to being territorial, violent, and stronger than ten Lou Ferrignos, silver backed gorillas are renowned for their hatred of cigarette smoke. At least I’m assuming they are. Regardless, locking yourself in a pit with these noble creatures will pretty much guarantee a cigarette-free future. Just don’t be nervous or anxious when you’re lowered into the gorilla pen. They hate that even more than smoking. And you definitely don’t want to make them angry.

Oftentimes, however, the simplest solutions are the best. So, if you really want to quit smoking, all you need to do is completely bankrupt yourself! You can’t buy cigarettes when you’re broke now can you? Be creative in ruining your fortunes! Donate money to African princes. Give your social security number and credit cards to some bum you meet on the street. Or simply invest all your money in the Sham-Wow. Better yet, buy millions of Sham-Wow’s. When your house is re-possessed, you can make a bed out of them.

Of course, if you absolutely have to stop smoking immediately, your best bet is to simply coat all your cigarettes in poison as soon as you buy them. Fast, easy, and above all else, effective!